Children aren't throw-aways.

I feel it heavy on my heart to write this. 

A friend of mine has been married about a year to a man with children. They are teenagers. My friend has 3 daughters of her own.

There have been issues with her husbands children. I know it's hard all the way around in a "mixed" family, but when you marry someone, you marry them as they are (not to try to change them) and you "marry" their family too. That's the deal. If you only wanted part of the brood, tough. You got them all.

I know they are still basic "honeymooners", but honey, the honeymoon IS OVER.

They married, WITH CHILDREN. I don't care how bad she/they want sex and privacy and all of the things that they want, THEY ARE PARENTS and STEP PARENTS.

STEP UP AND ACT LIKE IT.

There will be time for all the other stuff once the kids are grown, and TRUST ME, they really do grow FAST and then they're GONE.

Recently, there have been complaints that the husband's son is moving back in with them. Yes, he has issues. BUT SO DOES EVERYONE!!!

This is just MY OPINION, and please forgive me if I am wrong (and I often am), but I think that this is being dealt with incorrectly.

What I mean by that is this- 

She does NOT want him there.

I know that he is a "dark cloud" and that he'll be a challenge, but I think that he DESERVES to be accepted and loved, no matter how UNLOVABLE he might be.

YOU HAVE TO TRY, and then you have to try AGAIN.

I could be all wrong in how I see this, but I really feel that this poor kid, as much of a mess as maybe he is, hasn't even got a chance.

HE.IS.NOT.WANTED (unless he is perfect... Show me a perfect teenager...) 

DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING

IDEA HOW THAT FEELS????

I DO!!!!! 

She is dreading him moving back in, and he isn't even there yet. Therefore, it's doomed from the start. I half understand the dread, BUT THIS IS PART OF THAT PACKAGE DEAL AS A PARENT/SPOUSE.

I just read this --->>> about teenage depression 

and I don't know about anyone else, but I came from a dysfunctional "mixed" family and it was hell. There was physical & mental abuse, we were poor, my mom and dad were working all the time and fighting a lot.

I don't know what normal is.

I do not know what it is like to feel secure.

I didn't know what it was like to feel like I wasn't a burden, and that has carried over heavily into my adult life and affects my choices as an adult.
None of us kids felt happy, truly LOVED, or secure. 

Fast forward to my "mom years". My children were raised by the same  mother and father and were blood brothers. None the less, the environment was abusive, and they heard, saw, and endured far more than anyone (especially children) ever should have.

I used to say that "we did the best we could do", but you know what? 

That is such a LIE.

WE   DID   NOT. 

We lived in a selfish, alcoholic, partying home where dad was almost always drunk and did as he pleased (but did work hard) and mom (me) stayed home and cooked and OBSESSIVELY cleaned and BITCHED ALL THE TIME. I know I loved my boys with all of my heart, but they had to feel the effects of my stress and the abuse we all endured. They grew up angry, and so did my husband, and I, and our parents BEFORE US, and so on.

WHEN DO WE BREAK THAT CYCLE? 

When do we stop being SELFISH parents and INVEST OURSELVES in the lives of our children? 

It isn't about stuff, it is about US and TIME and the gift of giving that child a PARENT and making them KNOW that THEY ARE WORTH THE TIME AND EFFORT!!!!

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH? 

I say this to my friend if she reads this:

Get off your high horse as a step parent and put yourself in your step children's shoes and try to see life through their eyes. 

LISTEN TO THEM!!!

They DON'T know everything, but they DO have FEELINGS and they do DESERVE a chance to say how they feel without feeling like they will be crucified for it. 

GET HELP if you need it, but take the time and make the effort, because it flies by and is over in no time flat. The blink of an eye.

It's not easy, and no one ever said that it would be, but you CHOSE to be where you are at. YOU CHOSE to get married and have children and mix families. BUCK UP AND DO THIS RIGHT!!!! STOP MAKING HIS KIDS FEEL UNWANTED, NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS. 

This ain't no fairy tale. 

This ain't all about YOU or your kids.

It is about THE FAMILY AS A WHOLE. 

YOUR ATTITUDE CARRIES OVER TO OTHERS. 

Don't think they don't FEEL IT.  

Take it from a mom who no longer sees her youngest son or his children, and has had a child die and will never hear his voice, see his smile or feel his hug again. In the blink of an eye. WHAT WOULD I GIVE TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN? I'd give my fucking SOUL IF I STILL HAD ONE.

x